Where's mine professor!
by JustaBitBored
Summary: Hermione has a rant to her professor about something that's been troubling her for a while. Bad a summarys, give it a read, just a bit of fun :D
1. Chapter 1

Just a bit of fun. :D Im not Jk.. i own nothing.

Hermione raised her eyebrows. Ron's eating reminded her of Crookshanks; he didn't mind how messy his paws got either. With a sigh her gaze found its way to the top table where the professors were happily conversing, banter easily flip-flopping between them. For a moment Professor McGonagall threw a look in her direction, it was greeted by a wide smile from Hermione however the young Gryffindor had already turned back to her friends and so did not see the smile sent back in return. Malfoy caught it however and began to mutter with Crab and Goyle. Time ticked on and the trio of Slytherins left shooting disrespectful grimaces at the entire Gryffindor table.

Harry and Hermione looked on in disbelief; Ron was still eating. The tinkering of cutlery had died away as only a few late rising stragglers remained, stuffing sausages and bacon down their throats so that they weren't late for their morning lessons. The staff table was empty all apart from Sybil Trelawney who seemed to have drifted of. Hermione tutted. They were in no hurry as Thursday morning was the only free period that they could spend together, all of the boys other free periods found Hermione in random and, in Ron's opinion, completely pointless classes so this time on every Thursday they would come down and have breakfast before finding something productive to do as a trio. Hermione stood causing Ron to look up from his plate; a piece of scrambled egg made a bid for freedom, leaping from his fork while his thoughts were elsewhere.

"I'm gonna go and wake her" She muttered nodding her head in the sleeping professor's direction. "when I get back I expect you to be finished. Seriously Ron," Her face was a mixture of her usual beaming grin and a look of disgust. "Your something else."

"She's right mate, you must have to be part Tardis or something, get it, your bigger on the inside?" Ron didn't get the muggle reference but since he didn't care to, he didn't ask. However he did snort egg as professor Trelawney woke with a start and grabbed hold of Hermione's hair in a blind, literally blind, panic. At Hermione's yelp the Professor quickly released the poor girl from, her clutches. The mad woman squinted in an attempt to see who was laughing so loudly, Ron wasn't worried, even with his red hair. She wouldn't be able to see him if he did an Irish jig on the head table while playing bagpipes. He laughed even louder as she pulled her shaking hands to her chest and in the aloof, Trelawney voice exclaimed "I am sorry Filius but I have to be going, other obligations you see" with that she loudly, clumsily and blindly made her was towards the staff exit leaving Hermione looking at her with complete disbelief.

When she returned to her friends she muttered "An obligation to her cherry cabinet maybe" before taking Harry's arm. Since Ron had been sitting on the other side of the table, he had already walked down to meet them at the door.

"Come on Harry, Filius lets get a move on" All three laughed heartily and made their way towards the grounds. Since the sun was out they wordlessly decided that the black lake disserved a visit.

Draco watched as Hermione's friends left her to go to Muggle Studies and followed, flanked by Crab and Goyle, as she made her way towards Arithmancy. It was in the crowded corridor that Draco made their presence known.

"Hey Mud-Blood." She stopped but didn't turn, she really wasn't in the mood for this today. Recently he had taken to charming her shoes so that they wouldn't go the way she wanted. That had been short lived because she quickly used that lovely resource called 'the library' and quickly found the counter curse. Since then she had, as Lee Jordan had put it, 'Manned Up' and she wasn't about to take anything Draco threw, be it verbal or not.

"What is it Draco" Now she turned to face him.

"Don't call me by may name Granger, you don't have the right"

"What would you prefer? Ferret, Ugly, Sleaze-Bag, Skrewt-Face?" Her face was entirely friendly and inquisitive. The bystanders giggled and smirked under their breath.

"How dare you." Malfoy pulled his wand, he instantly regretted it because now he would be forced to use it as putting it away again would make him look foolish.

"Really Bogart-Breath? Your haven't got the balls."

"Your old hag isn't here to save you this time Mud-Blood" He raised his wand and was about to shout a curse at her when she rebuked. If she was closer, she would have knocked the weasel out, she hated him using her favourite Professor as a weapon.

"I wouldn't be so sure." she said looking over his shoulder. He lowered his wand and spun, expecting to see an angry head of Gryffindor but saw nothing but a confused looking Ron Weasly. Hermione had taken his book by accident and he had come to return hers and retrieve his own.

"Hermione, I know I called you Filius but old hag? Bit harsh isn't it?" Then he noticed Malfoy had his wand out and his own joined it in a second. "What's the matter Malfoy? She insult your mum?"

"Don't talk about my mum you filthy Blood traitor" Hermione had not wanted this to happen. Suddenly they were talking about mothers with wands out. She tried to think of something to distract the angry rivals but she was beaten to it. Goyle sniggered loudly and shouted "Your mumma's so fat, her patronus is a cake!" All of the Slytherins that had been watching burst into laughter. Malfoy, seeing this as a victory patted Goyle on the back. It was then that an outraged first year Gryfindor stepped forward to address the boy that was almost twice her height.

"Well, Your mummas so ugly, when she was born the medi-witch pulled her wand out and shouted 'riddikulus" The girl was obviously getting into this because she wasn't finished "Yeah, You heard me, You mamma's so skanky the house-elf wouldn't take her sock!" the first joke was lost on her fellow first years as they hadn't learned the spell yet but the older lot got the message and Ron clutched his belly in fits of laughter. After a second he reached out and pulled the girl towards him and away from Malfoy.

"Your funny kid but you need to pick your fights better." Hermione giggled as the girl blushed and ran back to her friends.

Malfoy was looking around confused as to whom he should be cursing, finally his eyes settled on the first year. "Kids today, No respect. I blame the schools" he looked around haughtily and turned away from Ron. "Watch yourselves. I'll be around" He said as he stopped in front of Hermione. She sniffed the air mockingly.

"As if we could forget, you smell like you've been using Snape's shampoo." He walked of with his cronies, muttering about Gryffindor scum. Before he could reach the end of the corridor his path was obstructed by a person who he, without any thought at all, shoved out of the way.

"Mr Malfoy!"

"Bloody Gryffindors!" Was all that the bystanders heard as he was dragged away by a fuming professor McGonagall. The first year sighed before turning to Hermione and Ron who were chuckling together in the hallway.

"I don't know him… but he seems like a bit of a douche bag." Ron began to laugh again before looking back to Hermione.

"Can we keep her, Please!"

Please review. more chapters to come. One written but wont be up till tomorrow. thanks for reading.


	2. Chapter 2

Minerva McGonagall looked down at the pile of papers on her desk. She could think of a million things she would rather be doing than marking Fourth year transfiguration essays. The one currently on the top was not setting a high bar at all; in the first sentence she corrected six miss-spelled words. '_come on, you are a Gryffindor'_ Just as Minerva was mustering the courage to continue there was a knock at the door.

"Enter" The green eyed witch had forgotten to sound stern as she spoke. She was just thankful to whoever was on the other side of the door saving her for from marking for the time being. She was even more pleased to see Hermione Granger enter her office but her pleasure vanished from her eyes as Hermione did not greet the professor with the usual bright grin. A tiny smile tugged the corner of her lips before it disappeared. "What can I do for you Miss Granger? Shouldn't you be in the hall with everyone else?" Hermione sat on the chair that Minerva had conjured for Mr Malfoy and sighed loudly.

"well professor, I just came from the Great hall actually. I know that I usually come to talk to you on a Friday evenings but I was wondering if I could talk to you now." Minerva gave Hermione a curious look. The girl looked flustered, Her chestnut tresses looking more frazzled than usual and she was fidgeting under the older witch's gaze.

"Of course you can talk to me dear, I am always here to listen if you need someone to talk to"

"You see Professor, that's the thing. I don't even need you to listen really. I just need to have a rant and then I think I will be fine." Hermione began to mumble uncomfortably. "I just need to talk to someone and I don't want to speak to anyone else because they will just laugh at me. It's kind of, well its about you Professor" Minerva raised her eyebrows. Hermione was quite amusing when she was angry and from the looks of things this should be quite humorous, _but what did she mean it was about me? What did I do?_ Wanting to know the answer to those question she said.

"Well, rant away Miss Granger. I shall get on with my marking but as it is about me I may interject every now and again." With that she pulled out a pile of papers from her desk draw and pretended to get to work. Of course all attention was on the younger witch who was sitting opposite her.

Hermione took a deep breath before starting.

"Right," Hermione took a breath before stating. "I have been called a lot of names while I've been at Hogwarts. Most of them are malicious and to be honest it did bother me at first but over the years I have taken less and less notice. I've been called bookworm, know-it-all, Mud-Blood, teachers pet " Minerva's emerald eyes searched Hermione's and was relieved to see that there wasn't any hurt there and so she let the young woman carry on without commenting. Anyway, she had told Hermione to ignore the name calling in her first year but that was easier said than done. "but I think I must have crossed a line, an invisible line that you mustn't cross if you don't want nicknames like, Mini-McGonagall or… Spawn of McGonagall, of coarse for convenience it has been shortened to just spawn." Seamus had started that one after he had questioned Hermione as to why she didn't have to do the transfiguration homework. When she had replied that she had read ahead and done it weeks ago he had huffed it loud enough for most of the people in the library to hear. It had spread like forest fire. "I could deal with those though because you know, I wouldn't mind being your spawn at all, in fact being called a mini you makes me feel quite proud" Minerva didn't show it but Hermione's kind words made her heart feel fuller. "but today as I walked past the Slytherin table I was greeted with the next in the endless string of new names I will be called throughout my time here." _Here we go_ thought McGonagall, what now? "Pansy Parkinson turned to Malfoy and went 'There goes McGonagall's Bitch'… Really? Because if anyone is anybodies bitch Malfoy is Snape's!" Minerva looked up from the essays she was marking in shock. Firstly, because Hermione was using a profanity like that as if it was nothing and secondly because her prize pupil was being called 'that'. Before she could interrupt Hermione continued. "And why? Because I'm loyal? Hello, I thought that was a good trait in a person, Loyalty! Because I wont sit there and let people insult you; that makes me your bitch." _Again with the profanities! _

"Ok Miss Granger that's…"

"Speaking of such, you would have thought the Gryffindor would spare me but no, they are exactly the same. I'm a prefect and my own house teases me constantly. I am always helping them, I cant count the number of times I've saved Seamus from blowing himself up and still he calls me spawn. They just cant seem to grasp that I stand up for you because you are our head of house. Yes you are my mentor and I spend a lot of time with you and so I might be a teensy bit over protective when it comes to Malfoy and his verbal punches towards you but to sit and say nothing? That doesn't seem like an option." She couldn't class all of Gryffindor under one tent. Fred and George stood up for the strict deputy Head almost as much as she did. Harry and Ron weren't as on board as she would have liked them to be but some of the house… "Call themselves Gryffindor when they don't even stand up for their own just because you give us homework. And you know what gets me?" Hermione leaned forward in her chair placing her elbows on the old mahogany desk. "Harry! My dear friend Harry, he must have seen the line! That bloody invisible line that you shouldn't cross because nobody calls him Dumbledor's Bitch. Nobody calls him spawn of Dumbledor. Just because I would defend my mentor, head of house, teacher it makes me… I don't even know. For goodness sake, I get names, what does Harry get? A frickin phoenix to come and cry on him… Where's my phoenix professor? Of course I am not loyal to receive praise but know that it is hard for me and yet I persevere because I think that considering all you do for not only your house but the entire student body you deserve a bit of loyalty" Hermione sighed loudly, seeming to calm down before "A bloody phoenix!"

"Hmmm." _what do you say to that really?_ "Can I first start Miss Granger by saying that Nobody, Not even Malfoy is anybodies…. Bitch." Hermione burst into laughter at the disgusted look on her mentors face. She slumped back against the chair when she was finished laughing. McGonagall stood up and made her way around the desk. "And I am a grown woman, I do not need you to take care of me because, my dear I can do it for myself" Hermione stood and picked up her bag thinking she was being dismissed but before she could fling it over her should she was enveloped in her favourite professor's arms. An elegant hand cradled the younger witch's head into her shoulder "However, I am so grateful for your loyalty Hermione. There is no greater gift that you can give and I am so proud that you chose me to bestow some of it on me." After a few moments Hermione stepped back and smiled a toothless, slightly embarrassed smile at her professor.

"Well, that's quite enough phoenix for me. See you tomorrow for tea professor."

Minerva watched her leave. _hmm, that was quite amusing._ She went to sit down but stopped at the sight of her fireplace. _I wonder if Severus is in his office. shrugging, McGonagall paced over to it, to speak to Severus about telling his bitch to leave her bitch alone._

_Thanks for reading :D R&R  
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	3. Chapter 3

**Hiya :) i know its been a while but this is the kinda fic that doesnt really have a set story line, its just if funny things come to mind i will write them down and add it on. This i actually wrote a while back but didnt post as i didnt think it was very funny but im gonna post it because i can see a bright future for a certain tournament - will make sense at the end, plus i havnt posted anything since last Wednesday and i feel bad. Thanks for reading :D **

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><p>Albus Dumbledore walked into the staff room and was more than surprised to see his staff in an buzzing crowd around his best friend. The hum of professors was apparently connected to the piece of parchment in her left hand which she was holding out of range of Pomona Sprout's desperately reaching fingers. This was a shock to the elderly wizard as in all his years of partnership with Minerva McGonagall he had never seen her backed into a corner by anyone. As if on cue she silently commanded her wand to fall seamlessly from her sleeve into her long and graceful fingers.<p>

"Enough. We are civilised people!" At this there was a bark of laughter which alerted Dumbledore to the fact that Severus Snape was the only person not attacking his friend. He was sitting comfortable in an arm chair in front of the fire.

"Says you Minerva, Who has made this ridiculous list?" Albus's curiosity was peaking… _what list? List of what?._ Minerva glared at Snape. Her eyebrow raised into a bold arch that easily conveyed her message. She was not amused. The way that she elongated her swanlike neck seemed to symbolise that she was taking the high ground and didn't comment. This was Albus's cue.

"What is going on in here?" He asked in an amused tone as his staff turned to face him, some looking a little ashamed at being caught by their boss behaving in such a childish manor but they quickly recovered, remembering that this was the man who had come to last years fancy dress party as moose. Minerva had thought he looked quite handsome in his antlers. His question went unanswered for a while; Severus finally broke the silence, his voice was uncharacteristically happy, a hint of pride graced his lucid tone.

"Miss Granger went crying to her dear professor proclaiming that she had a rather funny new nickname Albus. It seems that members of my house have started to acknowledge the young know-it-all by…"

Minerva interrupted him quickly. She didn't want her list to be portrayed as something it wasn't.

"Because Hermione shows openly that I am her favourite professor…" She took pride in that and couldn't help the satisfaction from showing on her face as the corners of her thin mouth quirked into a tiny, almost un-noticeable smile. "She has acquired another mean name. This morning I was thinking that she is not the only person in the student body that has shown admiration for their favourite professor." She put emphasis on the favourite. Hermione was yet to be given a test she could not complete, which would lead one to the hypothesis that she was usually right and so if she thought that Minerva was the best teacher in the faculty there was a good chance, in the transfiguration mistress's opinion, that she was correct. "And so I simply made a list that demonstrates my point by showing members in the staff in line with the appropriate student." She smiled at her friend as to signify that that was that. After he said nothing she turned in an effort to dismiss the subject.

"What have they been calling Miss Granger?" Minerva stopped walking but did not turn back. He could imagine her expression, a mixture of apprehension and anger at him not dropping it. Severus answered.

"She is now referred to by Pansy Parkinson as McGonagall's bitch." Albus didn't look shocked as the room thought he would be, in fact he looked rather indifferent.

"So, Minerva… you have written a bitch list?" The chuckles in the room grew into full out laughter as the strict, honourable and respected teacher of transfiguration turned to glare at her friend, face the colour of a beet root.

"No! I have not written…" She stopped waiting for the laughter to subside but it didn't. Realising that should just carry on she held her head high and started again. "No Albus I have not written … That, it is simply a representation of… the children and their behaviour towards, it is…" She stopped in amazement as Albus Dumbledore did a perfect replica of her teacher scowl. In that moment she was a 11 year old again being reprimanded by her transfiguration teacher. "Fine! Yes, in essence I have written a bitch list!" she exclaimed agitatedly.

"Wowee, whose mine?" The scowl gone as quickly as it had arrived as he clapped his hands eager to know who was his Hermione Granger.

"NO! I have been trying to get her to tell me mine, you cant just barge in and disrupt the order!" Pamona bellowed wagging her chubby finger at him.

"Well, This is supposed to be a staff meeting, and now that the headmaster is here" Minerva nodded at him in acknowledgement. "And doesn't seem to be bothered we can discuss it." There were a few excited squeals from around the room as each teacher scurried about to find an arm chair to sit in. All eyes were on Minerva.

"Pamona Sprout, Neville Longbottom." Pamona nodded proudly, her short brown curls staying completely stationary surrounding her oval face. She gave Fillius a thumbs up to let her husband know she was happy with the result, like it was some sort of test that she had just aced.

"Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter."

"Bitchin" He exclaimed with a wide smile.

"Albus! This vulgarity is not acceptable especially when discussing the students!"

"You condoned it Minerva when you wrote the list." He sank into a cosy chair by the fire, its flames making no difference to the natural sparkle within his blue eyes. Sighing the majestic woman continued down her list.

"Severus Snape, Draco Malfoy." There was no reaction for the potions master.

"Sybil Trelawney, Luna Lovegood."

"Of course I knew that, I have seen it in my inner eye." The barmy woman ran her hand through the expanse of wild, unruly brown hair on her abnormally small head and tried to muffle her pained gasp and one of her many bangles got stuck in it.

"That's why you were trying to wrestle me for the list is it?" Minerva muttered coldly but had to stop herself from giggling as Fillius had to jump up onto the arm of her chair to help her untangle her wrist.

"Rolanda Hooch- Duncan Inglebee." Rolanda clicked her fingers

"Magnificent build that boy, beater through and through."

"Erm.. Fillius" Minerva looked slightly embarrassed. "I might be wrong but I don't think you have one." Having helped Sybil he was now sitting next to his wife. His face screwed up into a grimace of disappointment. Pamona patted the tiny man on the back to comfort him but he looked almost inconsolable. _I'm nobody's favourite!_ he thought bitterly to himself. Severus didn't notice though, he had ideas running through his mind that would, if executed properly, win him some cash.

"I wager that Malfoy could easily top Granger in a potions contest Minerva."

"I'de take that bet, Hermione could trump Mr Malfoy at any subject at any time on any day."

"Perfect. We will have a tournament! Each teacher will be responsible for a round and " Fillius let out an angry sqeal, more fun he would be left out of.

"Don't worry Dear, you still have time to get one before the tournament!"

"How do you expect me to get one in only a few weeks? I cant just walk up to a student and ask them to be my bitch can I?"

**:D Reviews would be lovely. **

**Much love. **


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